About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
