standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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