If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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