this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
