I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
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Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
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I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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