I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
