So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
