How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
