In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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