So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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