I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
