This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
