I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
