john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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