So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
