he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I smell like Dick and happiness
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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