I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
