I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
