I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
