If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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