dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
