I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
