I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
