mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
