I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
