I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
