I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
