I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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