I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
