do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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