when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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