Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
