Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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