I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
