so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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