I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
