In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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