So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
