True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
