were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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