were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
