The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
