Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
