I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
