Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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