pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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