Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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