dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
