Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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