I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
