By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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