yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
