I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
