my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
