i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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